Don't Follow Jesus, Follow Sam Bankman-Fried

If only the Good Samaritan knew about Effective Altruism...

The Good Samaritan, William Henry Margetson

The Parable of the Good Samaritan would be perfect—if only the Samaritan had known about Effective Altruism (EA). The parable describes a man left dying on the side of the road after a brutal attack. Two men pass by without stopping, but the third, a Samaritan, takes the time to care for the man and pay for his recovery. Had he been an Effective Samaritan, he would’ve understood that his compassion, while well-intentioned, was tragically inefficient. Instead of helping one person, he should’ve maximized his impact.

EA is a bold new philosophy with an elegant goal: if we want to do good, let’s do the most good. That means prioritizing all people equally, valuing future generations as much as today’s, and counting animals too. Why waste time on local causes in our own communities? Instead of volunteering in a neighborhood soup kitchen, one should fund research to stop global shrimp farming (saving billions of shrimp a year) or develop a super-intelligent AI that could feed trillions of future people.

EA teaches us that money, not fleeting and spontaneous compassion, is the real force for good. And if money is the root of all good, the real question becomes: how do we make more of it? This is why Effective Altruists encourage our followers to “earn to give” through high-income jobs on Wall Street or Silicon Valley—jobs that will truly make a difference.

Consider Sam Bankman-Fried, the biggest spokesperson for our cause. Converted to EA in college, he began his career at Jane Street (a respected quantitative finance fund) and selflessly donated up to 50% of his salary. At FTX, he pledged to give away his $26 billion dollar fortune. Sure, he briefly reallocated company funds to his girlfriend’s hedge fund, bankrolled politicians, and purchased a $40 million penthouse—but think of the difference he could’ve made!

If only the Good Samaritan had understood the bigger picture. Why stop for one unlucky, bloody man on the side of the road when, as an Effective Samaritan, he could’ve worked another hour in finance? Just think: instead of spending a few coins on bandages, he could’ve donated to organizations stopping animal sacrifice or funding leprosy studies—or, better yet, brainstormed ways to impact billions in the far-off future.

By adopting the correct philosophy, he’d be helping the maximum amount of people, somewhere—eventually. Until then, he’d have the nicest villa in Samaria and the ability to look past the needy on the side of the road without an ounce of guilt—after all, he is making a bigger impact than that.

Author’s Note: In case it wasn’t obvious, this piece is a satirical take on Effective Altruism. Learn more about the movement here.

Edit: I removed “crypto-friendly” describing politicians that Sam Bankman-Fried bankrolled because their political positions were more diverse.